Jul 2021
Personal

I fear abandonment

Telling my true, biggest fear for the first time was hard. The first time I talked about my biggest fear was with my ex-wife—at the time my girlfriend. I was vulnerable with her. I felt comfortable with her. My biggest fear is a common phobia. But, until today, I didn’t know my fear was a phobia that’s ridiculous to pronounce.

My biggest fear is abandonment, the fear of being forgotten or left out, or what’s known as Athazagoraphobia.

I have other fears that most people would have or reply with when asked, “what’s your biggest fear?” I fear drowning, death of someone in my family, and failure. But, nothing as big as abandonment.

This marks the second time I’ve told my biggest fear so my family and close friends will now know. Please know this isn’t me asking for you to do better. I’m very happy and I haven’t felt alone for some time.

This is still something I fear though.

Growing up I wasn’t the popular kid in school. I wasn’t the son that remained quiet about things I disagreed or was frustrated with. I wasn’t a kid that knew how to make friends. I didn’t know who I was or what I stood for. The days of grade school were difficult. Teachers liked me because I respected them more than others in class. Not because I wanted or even knew about the idea of “brown-nosing”. My teachers were people I spent most of my life with and they made me feel appreciated and would challenge me in ways that I couldn’t disagree with. I honored my teachers.

At home, my family wasn’t the kind of family that would voice concerns, share struggles, or ask for help. The only help my sister and I would ask for was with homework, paperwork, or chores around the home.

I’m proud of how my sister and I turned out without having that strong family connection. We manage to live a good life and do things we love to do. We were gifted a good head on our shoulders when it came to good morals and strong work ethic. Our parents taught us those two things.

The thing that got unnoticed were my fears, my worries.

It took time for me to figure them out. Many hours of reflection and many days of struggle. I know my biggest fear now. I’ve known it ever since I lived alone for the first time while not being invited to a social gathering.

Who would’ve thought that’d be when I’d find out my biggest fear.

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